Random Thoughts

Last 3 hours were kind of nightmarish(alright, I am exaggerating a little bit). Why would it be so hard to spend a few hours with your own kids? As I was picking up my little angles(Yes! I do love them. Let me make that clear.) this afternoon from their day cares and school respectively, I caught myself thinking, Oh God! I now have to spend the entire evening with them. Don't you think it is unnatural for a mother to think that way.

I came home, played house with the older daughter(forced myself to play with her) while keeping an eye on younger 15 months old. All the while waiting for the familiar sound of garage door opening and the kids DAD coming to my rescue. I made khichari for them.(guess what? I alternate between dal-chawal and khichari )

Eventually dear husband came home only to go out again to attend an extremely important SQL server user group meeting (yeah, they have pizza, soda and discuss about SQL server and do networking). The younger one was screaming and crying for last 30 minutes refusing to eat dinner, pointing to something which I had no clue what or where. (it would really help if she can say a few words...) I found myself screaming and crying in just a little bit later while feeding my older one and then it hit me that all of us are kids and there is no parent. Where is the MOTHER of these precious little girls? Where has she disappeared? Who am I? What kids of person was I? Aren't mothers supposed to be the adults who handle these non-situations day in and day out effortlessly? Aren't mothers supposed to be patient, understanding, compassionate, empathizing, tactful, with excellent negotiating skills and most of all in-complete control of the situation at all times?

Where is the mother in me? Is something wrong with me? Why do I feel trapped sometimes when I am with my girls? I don't mean to be ungrateful here. There are so many women on the planet longing to have children. I have 2 most beautiful, precious little girls, then, why can I not be the perfect nurturing mom they deserve to have? Is it just me or are there any other women like me? Is it just a phase or will I always be like this? Why do I keep thinking I will be a better mother when they grow up a little more?
If we had a magic mirror in which we could see what kind of mother or spouse we will be, then would many of us not have children or will not get married?

I guess I have next few years to find answers to my questions. I thought when a child is born, a mother is born as well prepackaged with all those qualities/elements/characteristics/virtues of a mother automatically. But, may be there is more to it. I am still learning. I am slowly finding out that you grow as a mother as your child grows. For now, I am just looking for the mother of my little kids. May be she is lost for a little while and will find her way back home soon.